


Mind Your Damn Business!

by Dogtagsandsmut



Series: Stonis Ficlets: Supercyberhusbands [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cyberhusbands, I'm making it a thing, M/M, OT3, Superhusbands, supercyberhusbands, that's a thing, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-18 14:22:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2351546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogtagsandsmut/pseuds/Dogtagsandsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has to prove he's sane, JARVIS has to prove he's an entity worthy of respect in his own right, and Tony has to prove he hasn't defiled a national icon. Yeah. It's a typical Friday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One Where It's All Out on the Table

Steve stood in front of the sliding glass doors and took a deep breath. They slide apart and he stepped through, grimacing at the sight. 

Tony stood to one side of Fury's desk, hands palm down on the surface, looming over it with incandescent rage across his face. Fury was angled towards him, also standing, cool as an iceberg as he eyeballed Steve from head to toe and back up again. It was immediately apparent that the two had been arguing before he walked in. Fury glanced at the open chairs to Tony's right.

"Captain Rogers. Take a seat," he advised, and trying not to show his dismay, Steve obeyed, cautiously moving towards the desk and lowering himself into a seat.

He tried to ignore the anxiety curling in his gut. He knew this conversation had been coming, ever since that night at the motel. He knew it had been coming, Fury knew it had been coming, hell, even Tony apparently knew it had been coming, if his presence at this meeting was any indication. Steve felt bolstered by him being there. He fervently hoped that Fury wouldn't force Tony from the room. 

"Mr. Stark, you're dismissed."

"Fuck you." 

Well then. Fury cocked an eyebrow at Tony but said nothing, even as he came to stand behind Steve, casually laying a hand on his shoulder. Fury pretended not to see, and turned to address Steve.

"Captain Rogers, I think we all know why I asked you here, but in case there's any confusion, I'll tell you anyway. Frankly, soldier, I'm very concerned. "

"Are we really here to talk about my love life, Director?" Steve asked with a squint. 

Fury snorted. "Love life," he muttered. "What I walked in on--not the point. Anyway. Listen: I get that...jumping forward seventy years in time, as you did, tore your whole world apart. Watching New York come under attack after what must have felt like just months after fighting in WWII, having to leap right back into the fray, then finding out your best friend--"

"Don't talk about Bucky," Steve growled, and Fury gave him a look that was mildly reproachful, waiting for him to finish. Once he was sure he wouldn't be interrupted again, (Steve had frankly been mortified before even walking into the room, and he really, really just wanted this conversation to be over), Fury continued as if there had been no interruption. 

"__was not only alive, but being used by the Russians as a brainwashed super assassin...I get it. You've been through hell. You're lonely, you likely have a touch of post-traumatic stress. But you're letting it get to you, Rogers. You're acting out sexually--" at this, he kept on going, bowling right over Steve and Tony's twin cries of protest--"and it will begin to affect your ability to complete the mission, which is my foremost concern, frankly."

Steve couldn't help the hot wash of shame that rolled over him, but it was quickly replaced with anger and hurt. He had nothing to be ashamed of!

"I have nothing to be ashamed of!"

Fury began to retort, but Steve didn't let him talk. "I didn't do anything illegal, if I correctly understand the laws today. Or immoral. Or perverse."

"You were caught jerking off to an interactive hologram projected onto a window!" Fury exclaimed. The silence that followed was deafening. "The fact that it was to the image of a man doesn't matter to me. I don't care if you're gay, or, or, bisexual, or maybe you like to dress in women's panties to bed. It doesn't matter."

"Then what," Tony seethed, "is the problem, Fury? How was what he was doing somehow different than jerking off to really good, high definition porn?" 

"Because he was moaning your computer program's name, Stark! He was jerking off to your A.I.!"

Tony was quiet for a moment. Steve felt his cheeks heat up, and he sat there, mortified and in silence. Finally Tony sighed, and pulled out his StarkPhone, flicking it out into landscape mode and setting it onto its kickstand on Fury's desk. A beam shot out of a sensor at the top, projecting into the seat next to Steve, the translucent, blue toned holograph of a tall, thirty-something male, with close cropped hair and an impeccable bespoke suit. His arms and legs were crossed, already on the defensive, and though he glared Fury down with a look that would kill, he spoke in a mild, polite tone. 

"Greetings, Director. I am JARVIS. I believe we have met before, and I believe this conversation concerns me, as well."


	2. The One in Which JARVIS Has to Prove He's a Real Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't fair that he had to prove his worth. He shouldn't have to prove himself to anyone.

> _A beam shot out of a sensor at the top, projecting into the seat next to Steve, the translucent, blue toned holograph of a tall, thirty-something male, with close cropped hair and an impeccable bespoke suit. His arms and legs were crossed, already on the defensive, and though he glared Fury down with a look that would kill, he spoke in a mild, polite tone._
> 
> _"Greetings, Director. I am JARVIS. I believe we have met before, and I believe this conversation concerns me, as well."_

 

Fury ignored the hologram--visibly ignored him--and turned to the engineer instead.

"Is this some sort of stunt, Stark? Turn that thing off!"

"Why?" Steve asked, genuinely confused. "He was there too. He should have the right to speak for himself."

"There is no 'himself'. There is no he! It's a computer program, Steve, and one that you've made the very bad judgement call to go and fall in love with!"

JARVIS huffed, arms still crossed, looking as flustered as Steve and Tony had ever seen him.

"Why is it a mistake?" JARVIS asked softly. "Am I not worthy of affection?"

"Of course you are, J," Tony assured him with a fond smile. "Don't let this fossilized fascist tell you otherwise."

Steve sighed and rolled his eyes, but he smiled a little and rested his hand on the arm of JARVIS's chair in support nevertheless. Hesitantly, JARVIS uncrossed his arms, and rested his hand on top of Steve's, gently so as not to break the illusion of his solidarity. They had been practicing at the art of almost touching, and Steve smiled even brighter at the faint buzz of electricity he swore he could feel whenever he came into contact with JARVIS's interface. JARVIS smiled back, but his other hand fell to his leg, drumming out a tempo that betrayed his anxiety.

Fury thought about pretending not to notice the exchange, but gave up and said, "There. That right there is half the problem. How you gonna have a re-lay-shun-ship," he said, drawing the word out like it left a bad taste in his mouth, "with something you can't even touch?"

"I may lack a corporeal form, yes. But that just encourages Steven and I to get creative. "

"Necessity is the mother of invention. Or maybe her right hand," Tony leered.

"It doesn't matter if we can't touch, Director," Steve interrupted before Tony made a left turn into Pervert Town. "There are many different ways to have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship."

"How _do_ you have a relationship with a computer program, Captain? It's like loving an intimate object. It's like loving a toaster!"

" _I am not a toaster!!_ " JARVIS burst out. The others turned to him in surprise. Fury took a step back. JARVIS took a few steadying breaths before continuing, though he still sounded a bit shaky when he did. 

"I am a being in my own right! I have my own interests. I experience wants, desires, and emotions. I have memories. I have hopes for my future. I have goals. I am  _sentient._ I am worthy of being loved. I am a good entity and only wish the best for those in my life and those I  _love._ I am the voice in their comms, the eye in the sky that watches out for them. I direct when they need to duck or dodge or run. I investigate their missions,  _your_ _missions,_ and provide the _majority_ of the intel. I would give my hard drives, my very code, if it would keep my friends safe. How can you say that I am unworthy of being loved? Don't you think I get lonely too sometimes?"

JARVIS stood up and began pacing back and forth, but the holographic projection of Tony's cell phone was limited, so each turn of his tall, elegant form brought him partway out of view. 

Fury moved to his chair, and finally sunk down into it, looking impossibly tired.

"You're not a person, JARVIS," he said, addressing the A.I. directly for the first time. "You're an extension of Tony Stark's ego, a, a, a repository for his knowledge."

"I am a learning system," JARVIS insisted, looking at Fury with earnest eyes. The look on his face made Steve's heart bleed. Justifying their relationship was one thing--a completely unnecessary thing, a thing they should have had the right to keep private, yes--but watching JARVIS plead to be acknowledged as an individual, it was wrong; it was so wrong. It wasn't fair that he had to prove his worth. He shouldn't have to prove himself to anyone. 

Tony must have had enough at that point, because he snapped out a quiet "JARVIS, sit down," and the A.I. complied, twisting backwards to look at his maker. Tony's eyes, however, were locked with Fury's in a steely, shrewd glare like he had solved a puzzle and was about to make everyone feel stupid with the answer.

"JARVIS, what kind of music do you like?"

JARVIS gave Tony a quizzical look, but Tony was still staring at the Director, waiting.

"Techno," he muttered. "Dupstep, specifically."

Tony visibly shuddered, but continued on. "Not rock and roll? Not AC/DC?"

JARVIS made a face. "Not particularly, sir, but I tolerate it because it helps you process and I know you prefer your work environment a bit more...classic."

Tony nodded, finally glancing at him. His eyes softened and he shook his head lightly. "Where did I go wrong?" He pursed his lips. "Hobbies, hobbies, what about them. Do you have any? What do you do in your spare time?"

Steve smiled, catching on to where Tony was going with this.

"I read. I like to watch tennis. I fancy I'll play a game in the flesh, some day. I like to garden--"

"Just how in the hell," Fury butt in, "does a bodiless computer program manage to garden? Don't you need hands?" 

JARVIS sniffed in disdain. "I control every process in Stark Tower not automated out to the lower systems. If I happen to enjoy some more than others that's my prerogative. My favorite process is tending to the indoor/outdoor gardens on the 54th floor. I research what flora to plant each season, contact the nurseries, place the orders, oversee the hiring of the installers, and then control the irrigation processes while monitoring the health of the plants. I garden."

Tony's grin looked like it was about to split his face.

"And do you get paid for this? Do you have a salary, a job title?" Fury asked.

"Two actually."

"Really?" Tony asked in surprise.

JARVIS smiled at him, and rolled his transparent eyes. "Courtesy of Miss Potts."

Steve raised his hand. "Oh, I know this one! You're head of Tower Operations..." JARVIS nodded, "and Chief Engineering Analyst." Another nod.

"As for my salary, I use it to fund my energy needs, upgrade my equipment, and pursue my own engineering projects, which Mr. Stark lets me do with as much autonomy as he would any other developer employed at Stark Tower. And as Mr. Stark's departmental assistant I am compensated very well."

"Damn right you are, J, you work for me, though frankly this is the first I'm hearing about all of this. Though come to think of it, I did see you in that new bespoke suit projection a few days ago while we were working on the deflection panels and I thought to myself, now where would he get the money to buy that off of DeviantArt?" JARVIS rolled his eyes. "No? Sims? Secondlife? Throw me a bone here, did you at least use bitcoin? It looked pretty good on you J, I must say."

"What do you like in a partner?" Steve asked, to interrupt Tony's babbling. 

"What's your favorite date?" The engineer chimed in.

"What's the point of this?" Fury growled.

"The point," Tony condescendingly replied, "if you'd have let us finish, is that JARVIS has his own tastes. Tastes that are very different than mine. Tastes that I didn't program into him. Because I didn't program him to even have preferences. He started doing that all on his own, shortly after passing the Turing test, and he did that, as he's done everything since I brought him online, because he's a learning system. Just like a real boy, right, Fury? And he learns things. He's sentient. That said, JARVIS, what  _do_ you like in a partner? Blond? All American type? Nonagenarian?"

"Muscles," he retorted, looking at Steve. "And kindness. And fierce intelligence. And facial hair," he said, winking at Tony. 

Steve felt the blush bloom on his face, spread down his chest. He held his breath, wide eyed, glancing back and forth between Tony and Fury, willing Tony to not give anything away, willing Fury to not pick up on what JARVIS had been hinting, what Tony had been trying to steer the conversation towards. He wasn't sure he could have this conversation on top of the one he was already embroiled in, his head would explode, he would die from embarrasment--

No such luck. The expression in Fury's eyes said he had come to the right conclusion. He buried his face in one hand. 

"Goddammit Stark, I should have known this was all your fault. _You_ got him involved in this weirdness."

As Tony squawked his denial, hands flailing, Steve though,  _You wanted to be in the hot seat, Tony. Your turn._ _  
_

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is unbetad. It's being written in hard copy during a particularly useless graduate class, and as such, will be updated (I hope) every Tuesday and Thursday night. It will be a series of ficlets which take place in the same universe, but not in any particular order because reasons. This particular fic is headcannoned but not written out fully. Other ones are hard copy written, but not proofed or transcribed to digits. 
> 
> In this universe, SHIELD still exists, but Bucky has been discovered for what he is.
> 
> There isn't enough Tony/JARVIS in the world, let alone the OT3. I bitched; no one listened, so I set out to change that.


End file.
